Wednesday, May 23, 2007


He has made it clear. The feeling was not mutual. I was the only one who felt in love. He did not feel the same.

It sucks when you pour in your emotions; you love someone like you have never loved anyone before, only to learn that there is nothing you can really do to make that person love you back.

I waited for him—something that I never did to most guys that came my way if I sensed that it is getting nowhere. I thought he was worth the wait, after all, I would not love someone this much all the time. Besides, I wanted to love maturely. I did not want to just give up all the time if I learned that I am not getting anything.

It hurts. I am hurt. But what can I do?

We talked last Sunday after I heard mass. We ate at Yellow Cab. That was what I wanted—closure. But at the back of my head, I was worried I might cry. I was almost in tears while hearing mass.

I tried my best to “convince” him that we were perfect for each other. All the while, he was listening but seemed apathetic. There was nothing.

It was another guy, he told me two Sundays ago. But he no longer feels anything for this guy after he found out that he was just cheating on him, and in fact already had a boyfriend. The guy was not hard to love, he said. After all, the guy was almost perfect. He said he was extremely goodlooking, rich and intelligent. I said to myself, come on, rub it some more.

He told me that he was just planning to be single for a very long time for the fear of it happening again. He said he realized that he would rather be neglected than be fooled. Bobo ka ba? Those two are not your only options. You deserve someone better. You still have me as your choice. I would have made you feel that those two were never your options, anyways!!

We ended our conversation without me crying. In fact, we even laughed most of the time, sitting on a sidewalk with sidecar drivers sleeping in their sidecars in front of us. We parted our ways with us remaining friends. Shet, madami na akong kaibigan. Pero makalipas ang anim na buwan nang paghihintay, wala pa rin akong syota!

I felt that, although I loved him strongly, it was going to be easy for me to get over him. Fuck other guys, I guess. Fuck all the guys I want this summer break. Date other guys, watch movies with other guys, eat out with other guys, walk along the streets of España with other guys. What was going to be difficult was to get over my self-esteem issues. On the back of my head, someone tells me that I can never be good enough for a guy I like. And although I fake a lot of smiles and laughter when I am with other people, I know deep inside, that I can never fake what I feel when I lay down in my bed by myself.

But I know I’ll get better.

And maybe, just maybe, even if we’re now “just friends”, I can still fuck him in the future. I hope he’s still a virgin when that time comes.



1. I have just seen the Oscar-nominated movie Little Miss Sunshine. It is very entertaining. And although the movie touched a few heartstrings, I was expecting more from it, I guess. Still, I encourage everyone to watch it.

2. UST defeated La Salle in four sets in the Shakey’s V-League last Tuesday. Impressive. Today at 1 p.m., UST will face Ateneo. Be sure to watch it live at The Arena in San Juan.

3. I am doing just fine with my ojt. This is supposed to be my last week but I convinced my editor to allow me to extend my internship until next week.

4. Blake and Jordin squared off in the finale of American Idol. It was not a good show. AI’s losing steam. Jordin is like to win the show, but I hope Blake stuns her. Nakipagpusatahan kasi ako sa ibang mga taga-V na siya ang mananalo. Hehehe sampum piso din ‘yun noh. But whoever wins, I don’t care. Wala na si Melinda eh.

5. It’s starting to rain these days. I feel happy about it. I was ecstatic when I heard thunders. Iba ‘yung pakiramdam kapag kumukulog sa panahon ng tag-init. The other day, I slept with the rain pouring, but woke up with my body drenched in sweat.

Smile naman d’yan. God bless us all!!


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