not good enough (shux, i'm getting used to this)

I feel really down. It has been blow after another blow.

Kinukulit ko lahat ng tao na kakilala ko na ipagdasal ako, n asana matupad ko ‘yung pangarap ko. I have also been praying really hard for it. As in. I started praying for it since the holy week. I included it in my petition when I was doing the Passion of the Cross. Every time, I pray at night, I always pray for it. Every time I pass by a church, I pray for it.

I did not tell what my dream was to anybody for the fear of jinxing it.

But no success.

The truth is, I want to be UST’s courtside reporter this coming UAAP season. Ever since I entered college, I wanted to be “it”.

I thought that this year was my time because I already have enough experience, and enough knowledge about the UAAP, and I believed that Donna’s term of two years has ended.

So I took my chance, and submitted my resume last May 1.

After “he” left me, I found more reason to want to do it. I thought to myself that I needed to do it to regain my self-esteem.

But after almost a month of waiting, I got no call.

So I called ABS sports this afternoon before I went to San Juan to cover the V-League games. At sobrang nalungkot ako dahil sinabi sa akin na tapos na ang auditions at nasa final screening stage na sila.

I was destroyed.

Am I not even good enough to take part of the auditions? Am I that ugly to not even deserve a call? I would have understood if I did not make it to the final screenings because I sucked at the audition. But to not even take part of it? That is something else.

Hindi ko naman papasukin ‘yan kung alam kong di ko kaya eh. I know I can do better than those who are already doing it. It was one of the reasons why I quit V. It was one of the things that I really wanted to do. It was also the biggest reason why I wanted, and worked hard for, to do my internship in a sports section of a major broadsheet. I immersed myself to basketball and volleyball--the two most popular UAAP sports. I even talked to someone who’s been doing it to give me tips. Modesty aside, I can write and speak well. Kaso…hayyy..

I was not good enough for the man I liked. I could accept that. But being not good enough for something I really wanted to do, for my long-time dream, for something I prayed really hard for, and am willing to work hard for, is something else. That is extremely heartbreaking.

I cried. I wanna cry. I hope this streak ends sooon.

PS. Smile naman d’yan (I’ll try). God bless us all.

unwanted.

He has made it clear. The feeling was not mutual. I was the only one who felt in love. He did not feel the same.

It sucks when you pour in your emotions; you love someone like you have never loved anyone before, only to learn that there is nothing you can really do to make that person love you back.

I waited for him—something that I never did to most guys that came my way if I sensed that it is getting nowhere. I thought he was worth the wait, after all, I would not love someone this much all the time. Besides, I wanted to love maturely. I did not want to just give up all the time if I learned that I am not getting anything.

It hurts. I am hurt. But what can I do?

We talked last Sunday after I heard mass. We ate at Yellow Cab. That was what I wanted—closure. But at the back of my head, I was worried I might cry. I was almost in tears while hearing mass.

I tried my best to “convince” him that we were perfect for each other. All the while, he was listening but seemed apathetic. There was nothing.

It was another guy, he told me two Sundays ago. But he no longer feels anything for this guy after he found out that he was just cheating on him, and in fact already had a boyfriend. The guy was not hard to love, he said. After all, the guy was almost perfect. He said he was extremely goodlooking, rich and intelligent. I said to myself, come on, rub it some more.

He told me that he was just planning to be single for a very long time for the fear of it happening again. He said he realized that he would rather be neglected than be fooled. Bobo ka ba? Those two are not your only options. You deserve someone better. You still have me as your choice. I would have made you feel that those two were never your options, anyways!!

We ended our conversation without me crying. In fact, we even laughed most of the time, sitting on a sidewalk with sidecar drivers sleeping in their sidecars in front of us. We parted our ways with us remaining friends. Shet, madami na akong kaibigan. Pero makalipas ang anim na buwan nang paghihintay, wala pa rin akong syota!

I felt that, although I loved him strongly, it was going to be easy for me to get over him. Fuck other guys, I guess. Fuck all the guys I want this summer break. Date other guys, watch movies with other guys, eat out with other guys, walk along the streets of España with other guys. What was going to be difficult was to get over my self-esteem issues. On the back of my head, someone tells me that I can never be good enough for a guy I like. And although I fake a lot of smiles and laughter when I am with other people, I know deep inside, that I can never fake what I feel when I lay down in my bed by myself.

But I know I’ll get better.

And maybe, just maybe, even if we’re now “just friends”, I can still fuck him in the future. I hope he’s still a virgin when that time comes.

Hehehe.

***
Extras:

1. I have just seen the Oscar-nominated movie Little Miss Sunshine. It is very entertaining. And although the movie touched a few heartstrings, I was expecting more from it, I guess. Still, I encourage everyone to watch it.

2. UST defeated La Salle in four sets in the Shakey’s V-League last Tuesday. Impressive. Today at 1 p.m., UST will face Ateneo. Be sure to watch it live at The Arena in San Juan.

3. I am doing just fine with my ojt. This is supposed to be my last week but I convinced my editor to allow me to extend my internship until next week.

4. Blake and Jordin squared off in the finale of American Idol. It was not a good show. AI’s losing steam. Jordin is like to win the show, but I hope Blake stuns her. Nakipagpusatahan kasi ako sa ibang mga taga-V na siya ang mananalo. Hehehe sampum piso din ‘yun noh. But whoever wins, I don’t care. Wala na si Melinda eh.

5. It’s starting to rain these days. I feel happy about it. I was ecstatic when I heard thunders. Iba ‘yung pakiramdam kapag kumukulog sa panahon ng tag-init. The other day, I slept with the rain pouring, but woke up with my body drenched in sweat.

Smile naman d’yan. God bless us all!!

when will (insert subject here) ever learn?

For the first time, after three weeks of training in the sports section of the Philippine Star, I got published today.

Woohoo!!

Check out a copy of Star today. My article’s on page A27. Hahaha, it’s a pretty small article, but I am not complaining. Because I got no one to share it with and I went there without Sir Joey or any other trainer.

Again, woohoo!!

So this is how it feels. I did not tell anyone that I got published when I learned about it. But to my surprise, some people, especially my family noticed it. My mom even texted me to say that my lola asked one of my cousins to go back to the nearby market, which is about 10 Km away, even if it’s already late, just so she could purchase a copy of the Star. Hahaha, sweet!!

For the last time, woohoo!!

***
The story I wrote about was the then ongoing Jr. NBA tournament in Makati. I attended the event’s culmination today featuring the semifinals and the finals matches, and other side contests.

The tournament was participated in by champion Ateneo, runner-up San Beda, semifinalists UST and De La Salle Zobel, and other schools like De La Salle Greenhills, Don Bosco Makati and Mandaluyong, University of Perpetual Help, Elizabeth Seton and many others.

I was pleasantly surprised when I saw a bunch of really cute players from the participating schools. The only catch was, the league’s oldest players were only 14 years old. Hehehe. I know, I have the makings of a pedophile.

I would like to thank the organizers of Jr. NBA for being really accommodating.

***
It has been five days since the elections. Most winners have been proclaimed by now, while the counting for the senatorial elections still continues.

The elections were declared “relatively peaceful” by the PNP. But can the same thing be said about the counting?

I don’t think so. And I know you share the same notion.

The Disastrous: A precinct in Batanngas was burned killing a teacher. What kind of person would do this? For sure, his soul is not being burned in hell.

The Depressing: Teachers who facilitated the elections last Monday voiced out their disappointments in different canvassing areas and city halls after not receiving half of their promised salaries immediately. These teachers were already preparing early morning of Monday, endured the sweltering heat, and tolerated hunger. They deserved to get their salaries right away. One teacher put it best, “Masyado naming pinapapababa ang sarili namin. Pumipila kami dito para sa napakababang halaga.”

The Crazy:Q.C. Congressman-in-the-running Bingbong Crisologo made a scene in the QC city hall early Wednesday because he felt that he was being cheated. He tried to destroy the glass doors of one of the rooms because he was not allowed to enter the room by the guards.

The Abnormally Normal: Cheating’s still rampant especially in Muslim Mindanao. Political Dynasties are still very much alive. Yuck.

The Stupidly Funny:One winning Pampangga mayor was interviewed on the radio some days back. He was very confident that his partymates, including their gubernatorial bet would win. I was bored, until..

Radio Announcer: Kumusta naman po ‘yung senatorial race diyan?
Mayor: Maayos naman po.
Radio Announcer: Sino na ang lumalamang?
Mayor: Hay nako, 12-0 po dito.
Radio Announcer: Pabor po kanino? Sa administarsyon o sa oposisyon?
Mayor: Ah sa Team Unity po.
Radio Announcer: So wala pong makakapasok diyan sa oposisyon?
Mayor: Ah meron naman po siguro.

Huwaw!! 12-0 nga. Hahaha!!

The Inspirational:Pampangga has a new governor in the person of Fr. Panlilio who defeated Pineda, wife of the purported jueteng lord Bong Pineda, and outgoing governor Mark Lapid. Expect changes in Pampangga.

The Good News:Chavit Singson and Victor Wood are no way near the Magic 12 in the Senatorial Elections. Manny Pacquiao trails Darlene Custodio by thousands of votes in their native General Santos. Good choice.

The Bad News:Alan Peter Cayetano is still pretty much in the running to become a senator. Dayumn.

The Outright Wrong:Melinda Doolittle was booted out of American Idol leaving the overrated Jordin Sparks and the mediocre Blake Lewis in the finals. Come on, America!! When will you ever learn?

Smile naman d'yan. God bless us all!!

un tributo para las madres (a tribute for mothers)

Today is mothers’ day.

I have mentioned in this blog how close my mom and I are. Although we live separately, she knows everything about me—even my sex life. Hahaha.

So I went to Cavite last night to be with my mom on this very special occasion. And I realized that this year is her 19th mothers’ day.

She may have been involved in different issues, especially her “addiction” toward gambling, but she has been a good mother. She accepted me for who I am. And she has taught me so many lessons.

It was just years ago when she taught me the alphabet, how to read the clock and how to spell. But now that I’m already 19, my mom is teaching me new lessons. She has taught me that life is not easy, and that nothing’s permanent in this world. But the best lesson that my mom has taught me was how to pray, and its importance.

So to my mom, happy moms’ day!!

And to all the mothers out there, happy moms’ day to you too. You surely have made this world a better place.

***
Tomorrow’s election day. Finally, after two months of campaigning will halt. Unfortunately, mudslinging will still continue. After all, nobody loses in Philippine elections. Every one of those who “lost” were just, uhm, “cheated.”

Since I did not register to vote for tomorrow’s elections, I would not be able to practice my right to suffrage. Instead, I would like to implore the readers of this blog, who are also registered to vote, to please vote for these people, because these are also the people that I would have voted for had I been able to register:

1. Joker Arroyo
2.Francis Pangalinan
3. Chiz Escudero
4. Loren Legarda
5.Edgardo Angara
6. Manny Villar
7. Ralph Recto
8. Migs Zubiri
9. Mike Defensor
10. Ping Lacson
11. Richard Gomez
12. Noynoy Aquino


Yes, I would vote for Richard Gomez had I registered. He is smarter than what people deem him to be. He is actually smarter than the other actors who have previously won their seats in the Senate. I would have also wanted to vote for Cesar Montano, had I not seen his performance in that debate organized by GMA 7.

As you might have noticed, the distribution of my favored senatorial candidates is 5-5-2 administration-opposition-independent.

Just like Aika , I liked how the administration clearly presented its platforms. The opposition on the other hand, might have felt overconfident that they would get majority of the seats that they did not need to present their platforms clearly, but only assure the people that they would continue fighting the Arroyo administration. Philippine politics is one of the messiest. It is also one of the stupidest.

I don’t know if it’s just me, or have you noticed that the acronyms made by the opposition and the administration using the names of their best were just, uhm, terrible—insults to the Filipino’s intelligence. Boo!!

Again, I implore you to not vote for Alan Peter Cayetano. Records show that, among the congressmen running for Senator this election, he is the least effective. He got his 15-minute of fame by fighting Mike Arroyo, which is a decent cause on paper. But being a senator takes more than just that.

Also, do not vote for Chavit Singson. Everyone knows he is a dirty man. Filthy. Also do not vote for Victor Wood, for, well, obvious reasons.

Too bad for Pichay. I guess he will not be “planted” in the senate this year, even if he spent millions and millions of pesos for his campaign. He promised to fulfill the wishes of the Filipino—too bad he could not fulfill his own wish of winning as Senator.

***
I saw Celine in Philippine Star’s main press office last Wednesday. To say that I was star-struck was an understatement.

Smile naman d’yan. God bless us all!!

celeb chever

Britney Spears has recently held a series of “comeback” concerts in several House of Blues in California. Spears got entangled with numerous scandals starting from her separation with wannabe-rapper husband Kevin Federline to shaving her hair, and entering a rehab for about a month.


Britney Spears: Staging a comeback?


I am a Britney fan, I wouldn’t deny it. I could still remember how I argued with my cousins, who were mostly Christina Aguilera fans, that my idol was the better one. Britney was more popular. She sold more records. She was the pop princess, set to take the crown from Queen Madonna. And then she hit rock bottom.

I was disappointed by her past actions. But the news of her “comeback” excited me, and a multitude of other Britney fans. And although, most of the people who got to see her less-than-20-minute show, were ecstatic, critics panned the show. They said that Britney Spears, in usual fashion, lip-synched her way throughout the whole show. She also did not really interact with her fans, saying only, “Thank you for coming.” And although I believe that Britney’s concerts could have sucked, I say, give her a break. She just came out from rehab. Do you really expect her to be in her top shape after going through all the things she experienced Come on!

Several nights back, I got to watch some of Britney’s videos, including some of her VMA performances, in youtube. Doing that endeared me back to the girl. She might still be rough around the edges, but I know she could pull it off in the near future. If Mariah could do it, why could not she?

***
I have a new celebrity crush. Woohoo. He is a Scottish singer. I got to know him because his song, Last Request, got significant airtime from RX, my favorite radio station. I did not really give a damn to find more about him. I was already contented with listening to his song which was incredibly amazing. Things changed when I saw his video. The guy was cute. Oh yeah, his name’s Paolo Nutini.

Click here to watch him perform his song Last Request live. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing.

P.S. After a week of desk job in the Philippine Star, I’ll finally be covering my first PBL game tomorrow. I am not complaining with desk job given to me by Star’s Sports editor. I did plenty of journalism-related things in my desk job week unlike in the previous company I worked for.

Smile naman d’yan. God bless us all!!

yes, i am in love (insert hearts here)

In the past few years, my relationships only lasted a month. It was depressing—being with guys whom I can only love for a month.

This time, it’s different. I have been dating a young guy for more than a month now. And although we are not officially a couple, I can say that I am extremely happy when I am with him. He is cute, intelligent to the point of being nerdy (he loves to study haha), rich and really nice. I just hope that whatever we have continues for a longer time or get even better in the future. He is a special, young man.

Yes, I am in love.

***
We watched Spider-Man 3 last night, making it the first Spidey movie I watched without my dad. It was my favorite among all the Spidey movies. It was very entertaining—Toby dancing and Kirsten singing. James Franco also got more exposure. I loved that guy. Hahaha. His and Tobey’s weight gains were also very noticeable.


Spider-Man 3: Entertaining


The movie is nice because it showed that Spiderman is not perfect. He also has flaws. He lets anger and fame get the better of him. He becomes cocky and impulsive.

This installment—believed to be the last—also got the best villains. Sandman was extremely cool. The young green goblin seemed stronger than his father. And the venom, was, well, scary especially his fangs. Hahaha. I suck at this. But I just did not get how the venom was destroyed. I was expecting that Peter Paker’s prof would have found they key to annihilate venom because he had the chance to study it. I was wrong. It only took one of Green Goblin’s weapons and a bunch of metal bars to defeat venom. Corny.

I also hated the breakup scene between MJ and Peter. It was soooooo cheesy. And for the first time in the movie, I sensed that they were just acting.

***
Today, I also got to watch the movie Blood Diamond. It was a gripping drama about the Civil War brought about by greed of diamonds in Sierra Leone. It starred Leonardo de Caprio as diamond smuggler Danny Archer, Djimoun Hounsou as fisherman Solomon Vandee, and Jennifer Connely as journalist Maddy Bowen.


Blood Diamond: Gripping


The movie was amazing. Di Caprio was at his best. Forest Whitaker was probable really awesome in the Last King of Scotland to have beaten Di Caprio in the Best Actor race in most of the award-giving bodies last year. Hounsou was superb. I totally felt his pain in his search for his son who was converted to become a child soldier. And the child soldiers delivered the chills. It was riveting to see these kids carry guns and kill their own countrymen for no reason at all.

The movie tells the audience in the end that Sierra Leone is now in peace, but there are still thousands of child soldiers in Africa.

***
Woohoo, napalayas na rin si Wendy sa Big Brother. Imbiyerna talaga ‘yung babaeng ‘yun. Masyadong inggitera. Hahaha. Buti nga napalayas na siya. Si Bruce din epal. Grabe umemote. Hahaha!! Yuck!!

Smile naman d’yan. God bless us all!!