not good enough (shux, i'm getting used to this)

I feel really down. It has been blow after another blow.

Kinukulit ko lahat ng tao na kakilala ko na ipagdasal ako, n asana matupad ko ‘yung pangarap ko. I have also been praying really hard for it. As in. I started praying for it since the holy week. I included it in my petition when I was doing the Passion of the Cross. Every time, I pray at night, I always pray for it. Every time I pass by a church, I pray for it.

I did not tell what my dream was to anybody for the fear of jinxing it.

But no success.

The truth is, I want to be UST’s courtside reporter this coming UAAP season. Ever since I entered college, I wanted to be “it”.

I thought that this year was my time because I already have enough experience, and enough knowledge about the UAAP, and I believed that Donna’s term of two years has ended.

So I took my chance, and submitted my resume last May 1.

After “he” left me, I found more reason to want to do it. I thought to myself that I needed to do it to regain my self-esteem.

But after almost a month of waiting, I got no call.

So I called ABS sports this afternoon before I went to San Juan to cover the V-League games. At sobrang nalungkot ako dahil sinabi sa akin na tapos na ang auditions at nasa final screening stage na sila.

I was destroyed.

Am I not even good enough to take part of the auditions? Am I that ugly to not even deserve a call? I would have understood if I did not make it to the final screenings because I sucked at the audition. But to not even take part of it? That is something else.

Hindi ko naman papasukin ‘yan kung alam kong di ko kaya eh. I know I can do better than those who are already doing it. It was one of the reasons why I quit V. It was one of the things that I really wanted to do. It was also the biggest reason why I wanted, and worked hard for, to do my internship in a sports section of a major broadsheet. I immersed myself to basketball and volleyball--the two most popular UAAP sports. I even talked to someone who’s been doing it to give me tips. Modesty aside, I can write and speak well. Kaso…hayyy..

I was not good enough for the man I liked. I could accept that. But being not good enough for something I really wanted to do, for my long-time dream, for something I prayed really hard for, and am willing to work hard for, is something else. That is extremely heartbreaking.

I cried. I wanna cry. I hope this streak ends sooon.

PS. Smile naman d’yan (I’ll try). God bless us all.