Thanatophobia

We all have our fears. Many may be claustrophobic or those who are afraid of close

spaces. Some may be afraid of open spaces- those whom we call agoraphobics. We may

know of people who are afraid of different animals like ophidiophobics or those who

are afraid of snakes; musophobics or those who fear mice, or herpetophobics who are

frightened of reptiles. I am sure no one wants a partner who is afraid of sex or a

genophobe. Some people may even have the weirdest horrors- clinophobics or those who

are afraid of going to bed; pogonophobics or those are terrorized by beards or by

Dale. Some may even fear phobia itself or are phobophobics. According to a survey

shown in Fear Factor during their second season, most Filipinos fear height or are

acrophobics. Well in my case, I am Thanatophobic. I have a morbid fear of death.

There are two different reasons why I fear death: I love living and I do not know

what will happen after I die.

I am only 17 years young. But this early, I already get goosebums whenever the

thought of me dying comes to mind. It may be a difficult life especially here in the

Philippines where we take bad news as breakfast and some more bad news as midnight

snack but I love living. I love the fact that when I live, I breathe. Even if

Manila’s air is suffering from pollution, nothing beats the moment when you wake up

in the morning and take your first breath. It relieves me to know that I am taking

air again- a good sign that I am alive. I love the fact that when I live, I get to

travel. I get to see places that I have not seen before. I get to go to school

riding a pedicab or a jeep. I can go to the mall to buy my stuff or to watch the

movies with my classmates. I get to go to the CR and see all the cute boys who are

staying in the corridor. I get to travel through the television- see the Statue of

Liberty or the Eiffel Tower and know that an island-nation Vanuatu exists even if I

have not been there. I get to travel through the internet- travel at other people’s

homes or other people’s lives even. I love the fact that when I live, I am able to

meet new friends. I love it when I have a new acquaintance. There is excitement in

knowing the person. There is thrill in the thought that when our friendship does not

work out, we can always resort to backstabbing or trash-talking. I love it when I go

to the mall with my friends. I love it when I have friends in school. I love it when

I can have fun with my buddies and talk to them about my problems at the same time.

I love the truth that when I live, I am able to love. I love it when someone new

comes in. I love it when someone sweeps me off my feet. I love it when I get to kuya-

spot in the campus with my friends. I love it when I get to talk to someone over the

phone with a smile fixed in my face the whole time we were conversing. I love heart-

breaks. I love it when I become bitter. I love it when I get over. I love it when I

get even. I love it when I move on. I love it when I know my family loves me. I love

it when they know that I love them.


Another reason why I am afraid of dying is I do not know what will happen when or

after I die. Death, for me, is synonymous to uncertainty. Just who would give his

testimony on how it feels to die? Are we assured of heaven? Heck, even if we are

assured of heaven would we know our loved ones’ names if we see them there? If we

die, do we get to travel the outer space? Do we get to race with meteors and comets?

Would we burn if we come close to the sun? Or as biology would have it, are we

doomed to decomposition by those low-lifes? I have so many questions. And that just

proves my point that I am uncertain with how death is like.


I admire those people who are not afraid of dying. Those who can say dead-on that

they are fine with dying the very moment I asked them the question. What bothers me

more is the thought of how will I die? Will I die in an accident? Will I die in my

sleep? Will I be murdered? One Friday on my way to school, I was riding a pedicab

when it collided with a taxi. Good thing the collision was not that strong or else I

would have gotten into an accident- an accident that could turn into something

disastrous, lethal even. I want to die beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to die yet but I also do not want to be immortal.

This also worries me at night. Just how would it feel if you were still alive until

the day the sun is about to go off?

My mother may be right, I am paranoid. One of my classmates may be correct too, I

have little faith. But I cannot help but be scared at the thought of dying. My life

may not be perfect but I love living and other people my age may be ready to face

death but that is not going to help. I have thanatophobia and I have a morbid fear

of death. Well at least I don’t fear sex. Or do I?

*** Have a Peaceful All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day ***

Today is All Saints’ Day and many people have already stormed cemeteries in

remembrance of their loved ones. I just hope everything is fine out there especially

that many motorists tend to get really irked by the heavy traffic. Enjoy your lives.

Be patient!!

*** Holloween***

I was in Malate last Saturday with Emil. The whole strip of bars in Malate was very

lively because it was filled with the dead- oxymoron, figure of speech, do not take

literally- because it was the openning of Bed- a gay club in the gay capital and

most bars were already celebrating holloween. I have never seen so many gays in my

life. I have never seen so many cute/hot/cool gays in my life. Fab!! Just Fab!!
*** PBB ***

Sam may be the cutest housemate, and he may have made it in my Kuya List of October

but he's got bad taste; hello? makipaglampungan ba kay CHX at malungkot ng maalis

yung bruha? Hello? So please, vote for Jayson!! PBB will never be the same if he'll

go. So please vote for him!!

Go find your princes while I find my frog. God bless us all!!